This is real, this is me. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

I've had a couple of intense--good, but intense--days.  

On Tuesday I was trying to push myself into getting work done and instead went for a drive (after much encouragement from my Tweeple).  The result of trusting my heart and leaving the house?  

I was able to step into a space of being in service to a very dear friend and help her seek out what she was most needing, in her own heart, in that moment.  It was so incredibly important to me, and much, much more effective than staying in my office, beating myself up in an attempt to get some work done.  (Old patterns die hard! But hopefully, eventually, they do die!)

So on Wednesday, when I felt that awful push-through-it-all feeling again, I spent some time connecting with my heart and again, it seemed she wanted us to take to the road.  My sweet friend Leah had tweeted about wanting to spend time with me, so an impromptu overnighter road trip to New Hampshire ensued.  I had an incredible time with Leah and our conversations and discussions were really reaching deeply into my soul.

Driving home yesterday morning, I felt a bunch of stuff rumbling around inside me.  I felt the stirrings of new awareness and tweeted a bit about what I was thinking and feeling.  I'm totally a process girl.  I don't just ponder and wonder.  I think and feel my way through things until I feel complete.  And then, when the time is right, I repeat.  

It takes me a long, long time to realize things that many other people often get right away.  So I really thrive being around other people who share their stuff openly with the world, because then witnessing them processing their stuff helps me get through my stuff more quickly and, in many cases, takes me to much deeper depths than I'd ever reach alone.

I feel like I've come a long way because now, when I start to notice that there is some deeper shift going on, I almost always step back and create the space I need to process through it.  Yesterday was exactly that kind of day.  So I declared an immediate four day staycation.  A way to embrace and enjoy our new home and a way for me to sort out my challenges around resting into the belief that I can actually spend more time with my daughters now that I'm no longer in survival mode with money matters.  

And a way to let in this still quiet voice that's whispering to me, saying "this stuckness around these two work tasks is bringing to you a message... please open up and read the message..."

So the staycation had begun!  We were climbing out of the minivan after lunching at Friendly's when I heard the phone ringing in the house.  I ducked under the slowly rising garage door and snagged the cordless handset for the home phone line from my husband's desk.

It was my Mom. And I immediately knew from the sound of how she said "hello" that she was about to tell me something I didn't know.

She'd just received a startling diagnosis, which is enveloped with a huge sense of relief, only because she's been suffering for so long with an incredible sense that the true cause of her ailments has been eluding her doctors.  So in many ways it's a good thing to know what might really be wrong so she can really get well!  

But none of us were expecting to hear the diagnosis of Lupus.

As I was already standing in a tender spot within, I just listened.  I asked a couple of questions, offered my support, and took note of the two types of doctors she needed referrals for (from my brother-in-law, who is an incredible cancer physician who has always helped us to find the very best people in the medical profession whenever any of us has needed help).

When we hung up the phone, I retreated.  My husband created the household space I needed to sort out my unsettled self.

And I went to my room to read.

I spent a little time with a beloved book and in time I found myself on my iPhone reading beloved blogs.

I dove in and gobbled up Havi's Scissors. Part two.  With tears still streaming down my face, I read Hiro's The Art of Belonging.  And I felt something in me literally bust apart.  

The combination of those two posts worked some sort of crazy-magical-fairy-dust-breaking-down-to-come-back-up-stronger sort of healing in me.  There was intense stuff going on beneath the surface of me, deep within my core being, and I just lay on my bed crying, asking it all to come in and swirl around and do its crazy magical healing goodness, even if it felt like mucky-yucky-sinkingness while it was working in me.

After a bit of breathing, because that's all I could really manage to do initially, I thought I'd "recovered" enough to move on.

So I did some tweeting and then I came upon this tweet, about me:

cmartell: @mlwt_lupus I gave her heads up. She's an incredibly gifted healer around bookkeeping from MA

At first my head was processing the fact that the lovely and very helpful Christine Martell was seeking out someone who could support me with the shocking news of my mother's Lupus diagnosis.  And then it dropped into my heart that she'd just called me "an incredibly gifted healer."

The damn that had been broken down by Havi and Hiro was now followed by the flood that this witnessing via tweet brought on, and brought on STRONG.

I ran to my keyboard and began to write.  With wild abandon.

My whole childhood, I knew, deep within me, that there was something special about me.  But what didn't make any sense, what didn't make any sense at all, was why I kept getting hurt.  I didn't understand why people would do such mean things to me.  I didn't understand why it hurt so much to be me.  I didn't know how to make the pain stop.  

I couldn't grasp, for the life of me, why "being" and "existing" was such a dangerous place.  I contemplated closing my eyes and never coming back to this place.  I dreamed up ways of escaping.  But nothing worked.  The badness continued.

I didn't know how to make the pain stop.

But my innate wisdom did.  My intuition and the Grace dwelling within me and within this world knew how to help me survive.  So I embraced the natural method that became available to me and I never once questioned, or even really thought about, the way I existed in the world.  

It wasn't until I was quite a bit older that I even realized that I was "different."  

And it wasn't until years later, in early adulthood, when I actually told someone out loud what I had become consciously aware of as a difference between me and most other people, it wasn't until this friend, someone who meant a lot to me and who I thought loved me, told me I was "crazy" that I even put any sort of label on how I went about being in the world.

And yet, even through all of the trials, tribulations, challenges, pain, and suffering... even through the loneliness and isolation that encompassed my childhood years (which was experienced amidst a deep sea of love and caring as well)... I have healed.  And, I believe, become a strong and better person because of my life experiences - especially the ones most people would label as "bad" experiences, horrible even.

And almost all of that healing has occurred because of other people.  People that have seen and witnessed the real me.  People like Michael (my husband), my parents, Justin (my best friend of forever), Wendy (my therapist), Janet, Paul, Leah, Sandra, Mark, Holly, Lisa, Hiro, everyone who's ever read my previous writing spaces online... the list goes on and on and it demonstrates just how blessed I've been with people in my life who love me, know me, care about me, and witness me, compassionately.

My healing has been assisted by these amazing people, people I couldn't imagine not knowing.

And their healing help has helped me to sort out who I really am and what I'm really here to do. 

And gosh, reading Havi's post stirs up so much in me because I've got that same not-a-writer-but-I-really-am-a-writer thing going on too.  And I was also vividly reminded of how healing it is to read about someone else facing their stuff head on. 

Havi, my dear sweet client and, most of all, friend, shared this realization: "I don't have to make everything so complicated all the time."  And I felt my entire heart open up and release a huge gigantic block - the block that says: struggle is a core component of your identity... without struggle you don't know who you are.

I read what Havi wrote and it shifted a block in me that I've been consciously working to move for YEARS.  I've spent time talking about it in therapy, I've written about it, prayed about it, shared it with special people like Stacy (and it even helped her sort through her stuff as she described here on her blog).  I knew, in my head, that if I could stop finding value in the struggle, I would find new freedom, a freedom I'd never yet experienced fully.  I knew I'd be able to truly live more in the moment, more in touch with grace, and more in connection to the Divine and all of the amazing people around me.

But I was afraid of losing out on the lessons.  Because my struggles have always brought me lessons.  But here I was, reading Havi's blog, discovering that she has the very same challenge and she was learning the lesson and sharing it with me so I could finally let my fear of NOT struggling GO! 

The amount of gratitude I have for Havi and all of the other bloggers who show up and share like she does, well, I don't even have words to express how I feel about it.

Healing is an incredible process, because there are so many layers.  I've spent a lifetime healing and I don't intend to ever stop healing.  I have also discovered that not only am I healing, I am a healer.  (And reading Christine's tweet affected me so very deeply because someone else thinks of me as a healer too!!! OhmygoshIcan'tevenbelieveit!!!! My ego has always wanted me to have some sort of official title that bestows upon me the privilege of calling myself a healer before I even dare use any sort of word or combination or words to convey that I can assist others in their process of healing.  But screw that!  Someone else thinks so too!  Amazing!!!)

(And at some point, hopefully soon, I will have been able to effectively sort out a way to put detailed info about what I have to offer via sessions over the phone into some sort of clear yet still heart-centered copy so you can understand what healing sessions with me are all about!  In case you might even, you know, want to schedule a session or two!)

So yeah.  Healing.  It's probably the most incredible aspect of who I truly am.

But yesterday, the shocking realization for me?

The reason I can write this today?

I believe that I belong.  Hiro's post gives me the courage to speak up because I believe that I actually BELONG.

I have company.  I'm not alone with my weirdness.  Heck, Havi has inside selves too.  And she TALKS to them.  Maybe my inside selves can get together with hers and have a party!  Yes, I'm sure her selves aren't quite the same as mine, but in reality, none of us is the same as anyone else and yet none of us are completely different from one another either.  I'm just so in awe of the fact that I'm in such great company.  (Have you seen how many people have commented on her post about their inner selves?)

I have a tribe!  I have found my people and they are on Twitter, and they are blogging and writing and sharing their stuff too.  And they are also business people, like me.  Business people who are showing up, authentically as their unique and complicated selves, and offering their gifts and talents and incredible services to the world.  Holy smokes!  I'm not the only one!

So I can show up as myself, with all of my idiosyncrasies and selves, and know that finally showing up, in my business sphere as me, all of me, is OK.

Because it's really just that simple.  A little witnessing goes a long, long way.  In business, in life, and inside of me.

And it means that by fully showing up, I can open up the doors inside of me that want to be opened.  I can now see, so much more clearly, that my business is becoming so much more than what it has been and the process is organic and raw and real.  My showing up and bringing all of my selves along with me is an essential part of this process.

Because our gifts are unique, diverse, and needed.  It's not fair of me to play small and keep myself from the world any longer.  It's time to let you know me so we can be on this journey together.  I trust that my right people will keep reading.  And that's a huge part of what really matters.

And as Demi Lovato sings: This is real, this is me, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now... Gonna let the light shine on me... now I've found who I am, there's no way to hold it in, no more hiding who I want to be, this is me.

So thank you for reading.  Thank you for showing up and witnessing me.

And if you're needing a little (or a lot of) witnessing and understanding, I'm here for you too.

Comments

[anne]

How ironic -- and deliciously perfect -- that your Mom's unexpected diagnosis and your owning your healer-ness show up in the same blog post.

My spirit is dancing a happy jig for your claiming and stepping into She Who You Really Are.

AND...

So much of your post speaks exactly to how I & my biz are evolving. OK & necessary to be real. Right people will show up. Process of healing opens up healer-ness. Business is healing, healing is business, the world calls for our unique services. Though I'm a few steps behind you, there's a sisterhood of the journey that inspires, encourages, celebrates.

Joyful AmpleThanks,
-Anne

[Char Brooks]

Wow - Jessica.

You have had such powerful revelations here. I love what you said about not needing to struggle to learn lessons - how that assumption that lessons only can come through struggling just isn't true.
Thank you so much for shedding light on my own inner processes through putting words on your experiences.

And how interesting, as Anne said, that your Mom's diagnosis of lupus was right on the heels of you discovering your inner healer that you can also share with the world and your right people.

My wish for you is that your right people gather round you to experience your brilliance and compassionn.

xoxo
Char

[Lynne Tolk]

Hi Jess,

We haven't really met, but I've seen you around in my tentative forays into Twitterdom so I already felt a connection. Now I know there is a kinship. There is this tribe, to which I also belong, though I've been afraid to claim that.

So much you have written here, courageously and vulnerably, resonates with my own life.
(Interestingly, we just found out two days ago that my dad's prostate cancer has spread to his bones. I'm still working on processing that news.)

This healing/growing/learning thing has been going on in my life for many years, now. I don't expect it to ever end. It's just the way the world works and I'm happy I can accept this blessing consciously, and know that it is a blessing.

Thanks for your post.

Lynne

[Christine Martell]

I'm thrilled my little tweet could be a keystone for your realization. Healers recognize each other, and it was so clear to me that you are one of us the first time our paths crossed.

I do hope you find resources and support for the journey with lupus. I am continually inspired by Maria @mlwt_lupus , for how she walks with lupus,and lives along side of it.

It will be wonderful to watch how you infuse your knowingness into your offers. It's already coming through to those of us who recognize the clues :)

[Shannon]

Jess, oh my, how I love the raw power and ownership of your light and gifts in this post. just beyond words to witness you in discovering/recovering/claiming that part of yourself that you are — writer/healer/tribeswoman. I love that you sharing your voice – you also heal with words, you know. And I love that you are following your heart.
Enjoy your trip to Seattle and all that is unfolding for you!
Much love,
Shannon
@inspiredwriter
(who is for some reason dealing with a suspended Twitter account — so I'm offline there until it's sorted out!)